Perinatal Loss & Continuing Bonds
Written by Ashley Schofield, Intern Mental Health Therapist
Losing a baby at any stage of pregnancy is devastating, and many bereaved parents feel traumatized. We grieve for what we love, and this includes our babies we only knew for a moment. There are hopes and plans that are no longer possible. On top of this pain and suffering, bereaved parents also feel negated by those around them, as perinatal loss remains a taboo topic. We can understand that those around us may not know what to say or how to comfort us, but by not acknowledging and dismissing the hardships of miscarriage, stillbirth, or infertility, trying to process our grief is more challenging.
Both partners of perinatal loss will have feelings of self-blame and guilt, loneliness, “empty arms,” anger, fear, failure and shame, along with sadness and grief. For cis-gendered couples, fathers often report experiencing perinatal loss as intensely as their partners but downplay their distress to be supportive of their partners, and they may feel that others are overlooking how the loss has affected them. Both members of the couple will experience grief, but their expressions of grief may be different. This does not mean the couple must mourn separately. Although each person will process their grief uniquely, there are ways a couple can come together after losing their baby. Maintaining connection as a couple has been found to lower anxiety and depressive scores, and PTSD symptoms were also reduced when couples came together.
An important way bereaved parents can come together is by creating an ongoing attachment with their baby. This is known as continuing bonds. This connection through continuing bonds may be expressed through externalized forms such as in symbolic objects, like having photographs of baby present in the home or holding onto special items that hold meaning, like teddy bears or baby clothing. It may take on a more symbolic form, such as when seeing rainbows, butterflies, or birds. Continuing bonds may be an internal feeling that both parents share as they feel the presence of their baby within them. Couples can foster this connection by journalling or writing letters to their little one. There are countless possibilities for remembering and legacy-building that bereaved parents can do together as they integrate the loss into their ongoing lives. What is important is that the parents find something that resonates with them, knowing that grief is ongoing with ebbs and flows. Connections may change over time, and new ways of continuing bonds may develop.
Understand that these actions are normal when it comes to grieving the loss of a baby. It may also be beneficial to get mental health support during the grief process. Psychologists can support both bereaved parents in enhancing the relationship with their baby and strengthening non-judgmental conversation between the partners. Sometimes, we need help being effective in our communication so we feel seen and heard. I am sorry for what has led you to read this blog. Know that you are not alone and that support is available in the ways you find helpful.
Resources:
Alburquerque, S., Pereira, M., & Narciso, I. (2016). Couple’s relationship after the death of a child: A systematic review. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 25, 30-53. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-015-0219-2
Buyukcan-Tetik, A., Finkenauer, C., Schut, H., Stroebe, M., & Stroebe, W. (2016). The impact of bereaved parents’ perceived grief similarity on relationship satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 1-11. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/fam0000252
Freedle, A., & Oliveira, E. (2022). The relationship between disclosure, social reactions, rumination and posttraumatic growth following miscarriage. Traumatology, 28(4), 445-457. https://doi.org/10.1037/trm0000360
Jones, E.E., Crawley, R., Brierley-Jones, L., & Kenny, C. (2023). Continuing bonds following stillbirth: Protective and risk factors associated with parental bereavement adaptation. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 41(1), 93-109. https://doi.org/10.1080/026468838.2021.1972951
Kendrick, J.I.S., & Sterrett-Hong, E. (2023). Navigating loss together: A scoping review of couples therapy interventions for perinatal death. Journal of Death and Dying, 0(0), 1-21. http://doi.org/10.1177/00302228231212653