How to protect your relationship from the stress of the COVID-19 pandemic
Written by Meg Lyons, M.Ed., Registered Psychologist
The fear of reaching out
“Seeking out and giving support are so vital to human beings that social psychologists Mario Mikulincer and Phil Shaver observe that, rather than being called Homo sapiens, or “one who knows,” we should be named Homo auxiliator vel accipio auxilium, or “one who helps or receives help.” To be even more accurate, I say we should be called Homo vinculum—“one who bonds.” - Sue Johnson
And yet, we often expect our partners to weather the storm independently, or become frustrated when they don’t anticipate our needs. Or, we fear sharing our fears – “I don’t want to burden them” “I don’t want to impose” “I don’t want to stress them out more.”
Financial stress, the added work of childcare or home-schooling, no breaks or personal space, total upheaval of schedules and home organization and rhythm. The added stress of the pandemic is bound to show up in increased conflict and stress for relationships.
We also absorb the constant messages from North American culture that we should be able to weather the storm alone, and if we do, we will be seen as self-reliant, resilient, and independent.
Accessing personal resources
For certain, we need the ability to reflect and process our own emotions and build awareness of all the ways that they compel us towards certain actions, to our benefit or detriment. We can start to connect the dots between how these actions may have made sense in the context of our family norms, in the context of past trauma, in the context of our culture (e.g., “My family never talked about their fears, we just swept it under the rug, we would never admit we got sick, and we always boasted about how much we could do on our own as a sense of pride.”) We can explore how the ways we handle stress impacts our relationship negatively or positively. We can stay curious about the meaning that we take from how we handle stress – the messages we tell ourselves about what this means about our own self, others, and the world. We can work to build our own ability to be there and be with a partner, to show up.
See my article (and the section on resources) - Building Compassion for Anxiety during the COVID-10 Pandemic.
The myth that you can do it alone
With social media, it is easy to start to believe that people have it all together and that they do it without help. We cannot see behind the curtain, we see only the front stage of people’s lives (Goffman, 1959). Without help, what we actually find behind the curtain is: suffering. No one can do it alone; no one can manage the external stressors we see in our lives without help.
We are wired to seek out comfort from important others from birth. It is harmful experiences with our first attachment relationships, or subsequent traumas, and false cultural messages around self-sufficiency that push people to repress, distract away from, and hide their own vulnerabilities from their partners, trying to deal with it independently. The sad part is that this is a lost opportunity for connection to your partner, to feel close to the people that matter in your life. And the emotions will emerge, eventually. Instead, it comes out in unconscious ways – it gets displaced or it explodes when we least expect it.
The good news is that we can learn new ways, and conflict and stress can become an opportunity to connect, to receive, to give, to love, and to heal.
Don’t despair if you find yourself caught in a negative cycle of distancing in your relationship around external stressors. Here I outline some beginning steps.
On your own, identify your major stressors. Then, identify what comes up for you when you think about it (ie., emotions, thoughts, sensations). You can also use this same format for any external stressor that has the potential to come between you (ie., work stress, upcoming deadline, etc).
If this is too overwhelming – resource your body first: do some grounding exercises like yoga, gentle stretching, breathing or meditation.
Try to name and label the emotion that comes up when you think about the stressors you’ve identified. For example:
“I feel _____________ apprehensive” “depressed” “tired” “bitter” “agitated” “upset” “alarmed” “resentful” “misunderstood” “distant” “tense” “alienated” “afraid” “fearful” “shutdown” “overwhelmed”
Label the sensations and perceptions/thoughts that emerge
“I notice a pit in my stomach”
“My chest is tightens and my breath is fast”
“I feel my heart pounding”
“My whole body is tense”
“My posture is slumped”
“My mind is racing with fear thoughts”
“I’m having the thought that I’m all alone in this, like always!”
“My partner isn’t there for me in the way I need”
“I’m totally failing my husband/wife/partner right now”
“One of our deepest needs as humans is to feel understood, and true understanding is not possible without empathy. As psychologist Carl Rogers put it, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good!”
Setting intentions for the conversation
Next, set some intentions and plan for the conversation to share your feelings with your partner. Start out with principles developed by the Gottman Institute that are based on over 43 years of research on conflict and relationships!
Delay problem solving and persuasion by making your initial goal only to build understanding.
There are two valid realities, not one, focus on perception, each person trying to understand the partner’s reality.
A good marker of whether understanding is being built is if each partner can summarize the other partner’s position, to their satisfaction.
If you happen to identify a negative quality in your partner, try to also find it in yourself or recall a time in your life where you exhibited the same trait. Humility goes a long way.
To start, practice with talking about stressors outside of your relationship, not stress you feel from inside the relationship.
Sidestepping potential roadblocks when sharing
Share some of the feelings you identified in the first section. The trick is to try to stick with the emotion and not exit into talking about your problem intellectually. This often happens because it is really hard and vulnerable to share emotions. Most of us have been told our whole lives that it shows weakness. And yet, sharing emotions and receiving comfort will plant the seed of connection and love between you! As long as we can sidestep some of the potential minefields outlined below.
1. Exiting from emotion
For example,
“With having the kids home due to school closures, I’m beginning to feel exhausted, I feel so much pressure to have them make up for the lost time at school. I’m afraid that if I don’t get them on track, they wont be successful next year. I’m also noticing all this resentment building yesterday; I miss having the babysitter to give me a break, and now I have to work remotely and take care of kids at the same time, it doesn’t seem fair.”
In the above example, the person stays with emotion and identifies it: “…exhaustion, pressure, fear, resentment, missing (loss), injustice/unfairness…”
2. Be careful to not attach an implied or direct criticism or character attack to your emotion, or lace the emotion with blame.
If you notice this, there is probably some more emotionally happening underneath the anger that might be very vulnerable to share with your partner, so instead, you stay self-protected behind the anger. If this is a regular pattern, it is often formed within the context of history. (e.g., When I was younger, if I shared my sadness, I was told to suck it up and toughen up, so I learned to keep in it to protect myself from the shame by getting loud and angry instead).
For example,
“I’m feeling resentful, because somehow I’m stuck doing EVERYTHING around here, like always!”
“I’m exhausted because I don’t get these long breaks like you do”
“I’m sad because you never ask me how I am doing with all the stress of being home”
“I’m sad…. Implied with tone of voice “ because of you” or “because you aren’t doing what I need!”
INSTEAD, TRY YOUR BEST TO DEEPEN THE VULNERALBILITY and connect it to your bond with your partner
“With having the kids home due to school closures, I’m beginning to feel exhausted, I feel so much pressure to have them make up for the lost time at school. I’m afraid that if I don’t get them on track, they wont be successful next year. I’m also noticing all this resentment building; I miss having the babysitter to give me a break, and now I have to work remotely and take care of kids at the same time, it doesn’t seem fair.”
“I’m afraid that you’ll be disappointed in me if I don’t manage the kids at home, like somehow I’m not able to mother them or take care of the family the way we need right now. It brings up this fear that we will get to that place we were in last year, and I’ll lose you. “
AND/OR speak to deeper longings
“I guess I’m just longing to spend time together as a family, and I miss spending time with you”
“ I think I need more help and a break, but I’m afraid to burden you further, you are working so hard and I see that, I’m afraid to show you that I can’t do it on my own”
OWN YOUR PART/Own the move you make to self-protect in the conflict – while still sharing more vulnerability:
“You see my anger, and I lash out at you, and I know that hurts us and causes you to pull away from me, but on the inside I feel terrified that we won’t make it through this, I need you so much right now and it scares me how much sometimes”
3. When listening, watch for the compulsion to give unsolicited advice, move quickly into problem solving, fix your partners feelings, or talk them out of their feelings.
Try:
Tuning into the body to notice discomfort and give your body a signal of safety through deep breathing.
Show genuine interest – don’t let your mind or eyes wander. Make eye contact and make exploratory statements that invite your partner in.
“Talk to me, I am listening”
“We have lots of time to talk, take all the time you need”
“Help me understand your feelings a bit better here, say more”
Communicate your understanding by reflecting back what you are hearing.
“Oh so when you saw that mom post about her schedule during COVID-19 and homeschooling you started to feel this inadequacy bubble up, and you felt as though we were failing behind… am I getting that right?”
Take your partners side. Find something that you can empathize with and validate their feelings. If you can’t find a sliver of empathy, ask open-ended questions to build more understanding until you can.
Express a ‘we against others’ attitude. Let them know we are in this together and that you are a team.
Express affection! Take their hand, put your hand on their leg, hug etc.
Validate emotions
That sounds …. (scary, awful, terrible)
How irritating!
Aw you poor thing!
It makes sense you’d feel exhausted, you have so much on your plate right now
Aw man, you sound wiped
Once understanding is built and your partner starts to settle ask: “Is there anything you’d like from me that would help?” “I have some ideas, do you want to hear them, or do you want me just to listen?”
4. If things begin to escalate into criticism, take a break or try using empathic limits (empathy + limit).
“This is a really important topic, but I feel like things are getting heated. Let’s take a break and come back to this after dinner”
“Aw man, I see how exhausted you are, the kids are just wearing you down being home couped up, and that makes sense, (empathy) at the same time, however, blaming me for this feels unfair. I’m happy to help – I just need you to let me know how I can (limit). Help me understand better …”
5. A relationship is a learning process, be gentle with yourself. We all make mistakes, and all we can do is repair.
“I really blew it last night when I snapped at you, can we talk again and have a do-over?”
“I’m sorry for how I just spoke to you. That wasn’t ok. I was angry. I’m guessing that hurt you. I know you were just trying to help in your own way. I’d be glad to help you with dinner.”
Learning your partner
Try to make an inventory of 3-4 things that you already know are comforting to your partner. Sometimes we expect the things that we find comforting should be the same things that our partner would find comforting as well.
We are all different personalities with different histories, vulnerabilities, and needs. Instead, make a commitment to go learn what works for them.
This could be a phrase, deed, or expression that instantly will uplift them (Tatkin, 2012).
“You are one burden I’ll always enjoy carrying”
“Call me if you need to talk”
“I love how hard you’ve been working all week, I am so lucky to have you in my life!”
“I understand why you did what you did. Your heart was in the right place.”
“Come here, give me a hug”
“Why don’t I take care of the kids tomorrow morning so you can have a break”
“Why don’t I go to the grocery store instead so you have a block of time to work.”
If you notice you hit additional roadblocks and need more support, find a couples therapist who has training in evidence based couples therapy approaches like Emotion Focused Couples Therapy or the Gottman Method. Or check out the additional resources below or online.
References
Goffman, E. (2002). The presentation of self in everyday life. 1959. Garden City, NY, 259.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. Harmony.
Johnson, S. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. Little, Brown Spark.
Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a. New Harbinger Publications.